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These mental health and NHS Jokes & Quotes are for the broad-minded only. If you are of a sensitive disposition then please leave now by using your browser back button to return to where you came from.

DISCLAIMER - While every effort has been made - really! - to keep this collection of hopefully humorous articles pretty clean and unlikely to offend most people, there is always a chance something slipped through. My apologies in advance for any offence that might be taken. In the several years that most of this collection has been available, I have only received one complaint which I offered to remedy but never heard back so it can't be all that unsavoury! Having said that, I will not be responsible for any direct or consequential damage that may result from the reading of this collection including but not limited to: complaints from neighbors over excessive noise, costs associated with hernia operations resulting from prolonged and intense belly-laughs, destruction of property caused when the dog, cat, spouse, or other relation was thrown across the room from the couch and landed in the television, or the time and expense of finding another place of employment having been fired from your former one due to continuous web page reading and inattention to the duties associated with your official job description. As you can tell, lawyers had nothing whatsoever to do with the wording of this disclaimer. :-)

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Jokes & Quotes - Introduction

This is a collection of jokes and other humorous stories I have collected off the Net over the past few years. Most relate to mental health or medical subjects but some on other topics were just too good to pass up. These should be mostly suitable for general audiences (unless you have a lawyer in the family. :-) They are in no particular order. I just add new ones to the end of the file (most of the time). A few of the jokes I made up myself.

Please note: all jokes are told with love, and in one gender (masculine or feminine) because it's easier and probably funnier. New jokes are likely to appear regularly, so bookmark the site and be sure to revisit. You've got to laugh, you'd cry if you didn't. Please submit your jokes, for inclusion on this page, via the Guestbook.

Get Plenty of Laughs - Researchers have found that a hearty laugh is one of the least expensive treatments for pent-up anxiety, fear and frustration. Laughing improves respiration because as you laugh, your lungs keep filling with fresh air and expelling stale air. Laughter also increases your heart rate temporarily, in proportion to the duration of your laughter. This is actually good for you, because after you stop laughing, your heart rate drops below what it was before something struck you as funny. If that's not enough, a hearty belly laugh almost always results in total body relaxation.

• What is the difference between God and a psychiatrist? God doesn't think he's a psychiatrist.

• Manic depressives build castles in the air, neurotics live in them and psychiatrists collect the rent.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

• I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.

• "Our minds are like parachutes, they only work when they're open." - Occupational Therapist

• Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible."
Doctor: "Next!"

• Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap!

• What kind of camera do manic-depressives use? Answer: Bipolaroids!

• "I wish I had a job... I could take a day off." - Service User

• Three blokes are in a pub. There is an Irish man with a dodgy knee, a Scottish man with a bad back and an English man with a dodgy shoulder. Jesus walks into the pub. The Irish man spots him, goes over, confirms his identity and buys him a pint of Guinness. The Irish man returns to his friends and then the Scottish man approaches Jesus. He buys him a whisky and returns to his friends. The English man goes over and buys Jesus a pint of cider. He returns to his friends. Later, when Jesus has finished the drinks, he is about to leave but remembers his manners. He goes to thank the drink buyers. He thanks the Irishman and touches his knee. His knee is instantly cured. He thanks the Scottish man and touches his back. He is filled with the Holy Spirit and his back is instantly cured. He approaches the English man who speaks first: "Don't come near me and keep your hands to yourself; I'm on benefits!"

• Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

• Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has he been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

• Seeing another person yawn makes it likely that you will yawn yourself. Thinking about, even reading about yawning can set you off. People with mental disorders such as psychoses rarely yawn.

• "...health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease and infirmity..." - World Health Organisation

• What does a short-sighted gynaecologist and a gun dog have in common? They both have wet noses.

• As the psychiatrist completed an assessment of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• What did the sign on Pavlov's lab door say? Please knock. DON'T ring the bell.

How many CBT therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but she'll put it on an eighteen month waiting list.

• Manic's Prayer: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. GMT. God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they are usually NOT my fault. God, help me not to try to RUN everything, but if You need some help, please feel free to ASK ME! Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY RIGHT. God, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties & dancing. God, give me patience, and I mean NOW! Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I write that correctly?) God, help me to finish everything that I sta. . . Amen.

• "Few experiences in psychiatry are as dramatic as watching lithium carbonate in one to two weeks utterly transform a manic-depressive personality." - Dr Fieve

• "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Friedrich Welhelm Nietzche

• "I'm perfectly sane and I've got a certificate to prove it!" - Spike Milligan

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has got to want to be changed.





• Doctor: "Have you ever suffered from amnesia?"
Patient: "I can't remember."

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to BUPA.

• "Happiness is good health and a bad memory." - Ingrid Bergman



• Why aren't there any headache tablets in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-em-all.

• For many years I have been receiving psychiatric treatment that has been successful. However at a recent consultation the doctor insisted that I be told my diagnosis which until then had not been revealed to me. I stated that I would prefer not to be told my diagnosis but the doctor persevered with:
"You are indecisive!"
I promptly replied:
"Hmm... I'm not so sure doctor."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"

• I went to the doctor. He said: "You've got a very serious illness." I said: "I want a second opinion." He said: "All right, you're ugly as well!" I said: "I didn't come here to be insulted." He said: "Oh, where do you usually go then?"

• "Pills can't give you skills." - Helen Glover

• Bi-polar, half price this week!



• "In the midst of difficulty lies opportunity." - Albert Einstein

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? "How many do you think it takes?"

• "The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit." - Nelson Henderson

• Notice in an optometrist's shop saying; "Eyes Examined While You Wait".

• "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Ghandi

• Why did the banana go to the doctors'? Because he said he wasn't peeling very well.

• I'm FINE - Frightened Irrational Neurotic Emotional.

• "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Grass Of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

• "God heals and the doctor takes the fee." - Benjamin Franklin

• I think, therefore I am. I think...?



• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple, you're two tents."

• "You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without needing to hold on." - Dean Martin

• Want to give up smoking? Nicotine patches are good. They work best when you stick them over your mouth.

• I don't smoke myself, but I have been known to smoulder...

• "Doctor doctor, I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen an optician?"
"No, just the spots."

• Patient: "How much to have this tooth pulled?"
Dentist: "£100."
Patient: "£100 for just a few minutes work?"
Dentist: "Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like."

• The patient gets better despite the treatment.

• "Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become." - Lonestar

• First native warrior goes to the witch doctor and says: "When I was ill I came to you and now I am well". The witch doctor replies: "That is because you came to me". Second native warrior goes to the witch doctor and says: "When I was ill I came to you and now I am still ill". The witch doctor replies: "That is because you came to me too late".

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They empower it to change itself.

• Whilst at my employment a colleague enquired:
"What's it like to have a mental illness?"
I responded:
"For me to reply I first need your answer to a question."
"What's that then?"
"What is it like to be normal? You know, like really average!"

• This is what psychologists say to each other when they meet: "You're fine, how am I?"

• Yesterday is in the past; tomorrow is in the future, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

• Stress Management - Imagine you are walking through woodland. The sunshine above shatters through leafy trees and flowers create a luxuriant carpet on the ground. You walk gracefully towards a nearby stream. With a flash of blue and orange a kingfisher darts through the low lying mist. Moving further you hear the birds that are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret domain. You are in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water. There now, feeling better?

• A man is seen by a doctor and the doctor says: "You've only got five minutes to live." The man says: "Only five minutes! Doc, isn't there anything you can do for me?" "Well, I can boil you an egg."

• The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

• "Doctor doctor I think I'm a dog." "Well get up on the couch then." "I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

• Doctor places an urgent call to a plumber. Plumber puts on his overalls and rushes over. Doctor takes plumber to the toilet. Plumber lifts the lid, throws in two aspirins and says: "Call me in the morning if it's still there".

• The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an aural test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered: "A basketball coach?"

• What is normal? Having the same illness as everyone else.

• When you are on a NHS psychiatric ward how do you tell the nurses from the patients? The nurses have the keys.

• Some people say: "Take it easy". I don't care how I take it just so long as I do take it. - Anon

• Don't panic but I'm in hospital. I ate what I thought was an onion but it was a daffodil bulb. The doctor says I will be out in the Spring.

• "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." - Psychiatric Nurse

• "Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible."- Frank Zappa



• "It is neither wealth nor splendour but tranquility and occupation which give happiness." - Thomas Jefferson

• "Never make your home in a place, make a home for yourself inside your head." - Tad Williams

• Why do they bury ECT machines thirty feet below ground? That's because deep down they're really nice pieces of equipment. Joking apart; if ECT was genuinely offered to me by a doctor, for the benefit of my health, I wouldn't reject it out of hand.

• Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

• When is a Nurse perfectly competent to do Social Work? When the Social Worker wants a day off.

• Show me a drug with no side effects and I'll show you no drug at all.

• As a student nurse (not qualified) in NHS general hospital training (photograph of me with my former colleagues below) I would often wonder: "What goes on in the NHS psychiatric hospitals? Everyone seems to just sit around drinking tea all day."  Subsequently, when I became a mental in-patient, I learnt what really goes on in the NHS psychiatric hospitals. It's true... they do seem to just sit around drinking tea all day! ;)